Reflections of the Way Life Used to Be? Or Should Be?

So its been ages since I have taken to the internets with my thoughts. So much has kept me from it, a new romance, a new job, a growing roster of friends, and new additions to my extended family. So many wonderful things have been going on that it seems almost wrong to be reflecting back on where I am at, and being a little sad at the state of my life. Don't get me wrong, I know I am a lucky girl. I am surrounded by an ever increasing group of people who are wonderfully smart and talented and love and support me unconditionally. I have found someone whom I love, and loves me in return and we are setting to endeavor to make a life together, having recently found a new home, and we are both eagerly anticipating the impending move.

So like me perhaps you will be stunned to fine that a social networking site, yes, its true, Facebook, is responsible for the whammy that slammed into me like a load of bricks yesterday afternoon. Like many, I have recently been re-connecting with so many people from different stages in my life, elementary school, high school and beyond. One of my friends is a woman I went to high school with, who happened to marry a man I also went to high school with and I was friends with them both. Oddly they did not couple until a few years after high school. Looking at her about to give birth to her second baby and celebrating her 6 th wedding anniversary, I could not help but scream out in a little internal anguish.

Granted I have been busy. I get that, and I am by no means belittling my accomplishments, but I am beginning to wonder if the accomplishments I have made are the ones I really wanted. As most of you know marriage has never been at the top of my list of priorities, but at 31 I thought I would either be married or on my way to marriage, and right now it still looks like it might not happen. Now on to the real kicker, children....hmmm....I have never really wanted children, but as I have grown older, I have grown more ready to make a compromise with regard to it for the right partner. Meaning if I met my soulmate and our one point of contention was children, I would be willing to compromise on the children issue. Sigh. Well now I feel some emptiness because well....here I am unmarried, in a not even 6 month old relationship, childless, and well not really having ever had someone to truly share my life with I think I am lonely.

I have had the great benefit of traveling all sorts of places, but always alone. so many of my milestones have been made alone, even when I was involved in a relationship that I thought was on the path to something more, I cruelly had that rug pulled out from under me. Now I fear I may sabotage my one chance at happiness because I am not getting exactly everything I need or want from my partner. In fact, I told him what I want, and I am not sure he has the ability to give that to me. So should I walk away or should I try to compromise my wants for what he can give me.

So I admit here for the first time, pangs of jealously over where those closest to me are in their lives, and how very far I still have left to travel to get to the place that I want to be.